I mourn for all that women ever were, all that they could be but never will be, and for an entire generation of lost souls that will only go to their grave at the end of days.

They always walk away. They always doom themselves to less. Why do they always leave me, seemingly settling for a lesser man? What unknown grave do they walk into when they decide they don't want me?

How can they not see?

I am the living example of everything a man can be--strong, of mind, spirit, and body. Good looking, lean, courageous, incredibly ballsy and risk-taking, rule breaking, defiantly creative and bold and a brilliant, intelligent writer and artist and musician to boot with master oration skills. Funny, etc. I am the total package, and more. Not to mention to I am incredibly aware and spiritual and do my best to be compassionate and fair and empathic, even if no one else in return.

But they walk away.

I was riding down the street, as I often do on my motorcycle, just deliberately getting lost but deep down I had this feeling that I wanted to meet a woman and yet I told myself that there was no way I could meet a woman in the middle of nowhere in the highway.

But what do you know I end up pulling off to the freeway ramp and they're walking along the sidewalk is a beautiful girl.

Now at first I told myself that she was walking home from work and that I shouldn't bother her because she might be disturbed, at least that was what my head said.

But my body and being purposefully pulled the bike over to a side street that was about a 1-minute walk away from where she was, and I proceeded to take off all my gear and play with my phone until she was near me.

What do you know... As she walks past she gives me this big bold and brilliant smile as if to say she was so grateful to see me and so I shouted out to her and before you know it our fateful and counter was underway.

We discovered that we had some things in common... It seemed as if she was trying to get away somewhere, and it turns out she doesn't even have a car but this beautiful woman wanted to walk all the way down the highway to her house all alone. She did music and lived in a one-bedroom apartment all by herself and apparently had spiritual interests even if rudimentary and not to mention she was beautiful.

Did I say that already?

I admired her need to be independent and her spirit in riding bicycles and walking alone and refusing to get a car when she didn't want one.

Deep down I was wondering if this was my next girlfriend or this was the one that was intended for me...

And then just as we're having this magical conversation and we seem to be finding out that we have more and more in common... She tells me that she has to get going now.

I wanted to tell her wait... Please stop... I really want to see you again. But there was no point in chasing someone who wants to walk away from me.

Because that's not what I fucking want.

I want someone whose eyes light up when they see me and who wants to continue the conversation at all cost. I want someone who wants to come home to me and wrap their arms around me and kiss me and tell me how much they miss me. Want someone who's going to continue to write me novels when they hurt my feelings and do everything they can to win me back because I have all of the same things in me.

I can't believe I wasted so much time and energy chasing women and reaching out to them when they don't do a goddamn thing in return.

The vast majority of women in this modern generation are complete waste of space and completely vapid and shallow and have absolutely nothing to offer anyone let alone a man of my quality or caliber.

You can call that narcissistic if you want, but you're just parroting what therapists who learned in textbooks how to categorize and label people want you to think, and it's obvious that the vast majority of therapists have no real self healing ability and you should never be taking advice from anyone who goes to college and thinks that they know anything because all of the real people had to go through hell all alone in order to do the real healing.

Like me!

This beautiful woman is walking away from me... And I am standing there with my hands on my hips, a big grin on my face, but my smile is starting to fade, and my beaming eyes are starting to tear up a little bit.

And I'm wondering why. Why does this continue to happen to me? Why does this always happen to me?

Why do they always walk away?

Although I should have said more what was the point in chasing? So I merely said:

"So we're not going to see each other again?"

And she turns to me and says, apologetically..."sorry but I just have too much going on."

Now just what the hell does that mean?

But obviously I don't want someone who doesn't want me profusely, so I let her walk away and I said the perfect words to say and nothing more.

I just want someone... I wish that she understood... I just need someone to understand the pain that I feel.

The pain that I feel not just when one of them walks away, but when ALL of the women of My reality don't choose me.

It's a living prison that I'm in.

These beautiful women all around.. but none of them see me. Am I even as attractive as I believe that I truly am?

They all seem to think so... I didn't use to get responses from women like this.

My whole life even when I was insecure and very flawed and full of rage and anger and deep wounds from childhood that I didn't even begin to understand how to heal, women still often give me the benefit of the doubt and found me attractive.

But since I've done so much healing now it's like a whole world is opened up. Everywhere I go people--both men and women and children all--light up when I walk in and smile at me before they even see me and people all want to talk to me and they seem to see something in me like a burning light in all of this darkness.

But I'll tell you that despite this it all sucks.

What is the point of being a light in this world when no one wants to actually spend time with me or get to know me for real and no one loves me and women don't want to be with me?

I'm a walking contradiction.

And when I'm out and about and in public and this sort of shit is happening, it makes me feel joyful and like everything is okay.

But then I have a fateful encounter like this. And at first it makes me think that it's a sign-- that THIS must be the indicator that I'm going to meet someone soon.

But then I go home and trip all night I feel so alone and there is no one to hold me and no one texting me and no one calling me and no one reaching out to me at any form of social media whatsoever, or even having a single meaningful comment to say on my YouTube channel.

I am absolutely completely alone. And it's not because people find me repulsive.

It must be because they find me too much. it must be because they're just not advanced like I am or they're just out of my level.

I suppose they want someone more toxic.

No I suppose they NEED someone more toxic... Someone more... Simple. Plain.

Someone less spiritual and less interesting than less powerful because they don't feel that they could ever keep me or relate and they don't know how to stand in my intimidating presence.

It makes me very sad. People have this idea that the compassionate man is surrounded by beings who all want to be with him... And maybe this is so.

For those spiritual gurus who choose to walk that path.

But I am just being myself, and people cannot stand in my presence for long unless they are truly ready to change.

And it is a path of sorrow.

I cry every night or every time I hear a lyric or see a sign or see some beautiful woman in a YouTube video... It makes me think of what I've lost.

Let me tell you what I've lost: it's incomprehensible, even to me.

It is only understandable to my soul... That I have lost something I cannot define. I have a grief that I cannot explain.

It feels like I have lost this love, this beautiful woman, that I am supposed to be with that I must be with but I can never find her again.

And it's like every single woman I meet knows that she has not this woman, and so they fade away... They fade away...

Never to be seen again.

I've lost something that I can't seem to find.

The horror is a pain indefinable.

I cry every night. I cry all the time.

I cry every time I am reminded of anyone who loves someone else or every time I see a couple who even resembles a couple in love, every time there is a beautiful moment between two people because I can never share this with someone.

I have spent a lifetime of loneliness, and I have only grief over it and grief over all of the love that I have to give and share with someone... But I'm not allowed to. I can't.

I'm sick of life and I'm sick of living.

I want and I need to be with someone bad.

I'm not going to pretend like some fucking spiritual guru that I'm all right or that I'm okay or that I have it figured out.

I'm fucking miserable and I'm fucking lonely. I hate this path and I wish that there were another way.

I have no choice but to continue down this path, cuz once your eyes are open you can't unopen them. You can't somehow go back to being someone you're not or go back to being a muggle when you never were.

I'm surrounded by a species that I was never a part of, and surrounded by people that I don't know and don't understand.

I'm waiting for a woman that seemingly will never come, or worse I'm not waiting for anyone at all.

But I continue to wait... In pain...in vain, I said.

But in pain is also true.

You see every word I write I speak. That means you know it is the authentic truth. Although something doesn't quite feel right.

Perhaps I really am waiting on someone. Perhaps I really am waiting on a woman... But even that doesn't feel right.

I wonder if I will spend the rest of my mortal years alone never having anything I desire and building this shallow Kingdom and castle on the sand surrounded by people with Bright smiles who can never comprehend me and completely lack any amount of depth that I can relate to, and just don't have what I'm looking for or what I'm seeking.

It is a toxic pool and a toxic lake, and even most men and women don't make the cut.

So it's not exactly like somehow turning gay without my problem either (as if that were even a possibility).

M once told me that things were bad. He told me directly that he didn't even care for the majority of women in today's culture or society or world, because they had lost everything that made them women and that most humans wouldn't make the cut in general.

But he did tell me that he believed one day I would meet someone as "crazy as I am."

That was what he said. He said those were my words not his, but I don't recall ever saying this about myself. So I can only assume that there is something crazy about me that keeps me holding on to this insane path and not completely losing it and either folding my wings and chasing sex or killing myself.

And I've come so long looking for a partner.

I don't want sex I want love.

I want and need love and I want love desperately.

I want real love.

I want real and physical love and I want someone whose eyes light up every time they see me and who can't wait to Spend every moment with me and who would do anything to keep me in anything to be with me, even if that means spending their savings on a plane ticket just to live in a cardboard box under a bridge (as if we would ever allow that, our survival ability is too great).

But it's representative of what I'm trying to get across--someone who will not run away. Someone who will give and give an at best and sees me as worth it no matter what.

Someone supremely loyal I will never let me down and even if they do they will never be able to stop trying to make it up to me and I can actually forgive them and be able to trust their energy.

I'm beginning to worry that this love doesn't exist.

And this is my greatest fear--that I will live an entire lifetime without what I am seeking, and only continue to grow bolder and more deeply unhinged, until I lose it all in frustration and I don't know what I'm going to do then.

Every time I am about to lose it, I convince myself again that there is some woman coming from me, or that some ex of mine will come back from the past and finally be changed and free and see me for who I really am. But this never happens.

I sent out a hundred different messages to various exes and phone calls over the years and forgiven people and apologize for everything I did wrong and told them I insights and revealed how I have truly changed and even given them second chances.

No--i have given ALL of them far more than two chances.

But not a single woman has ever done this for me.

Not a single woman has ever valued the love that we had or had enough love in her heart or unconditional love to do the same for me.

How is it that I am so deeply flawed that I am able to love so deeply?

How can I possibly be so unconditionally loving that I still hold on to people who want nothing to do with me and who cannot feel what I feel?

The depth of My Love hurts at times because I can see who they are beyond who they're being... I can see their great potential and I can feel their spirit and I can connect with their soul and feel everything they are feeling and even see and predict lifetimes beyond their lifetime and feel are parallel lives together... The ones that we surely must have lived before I became this evolved, and this track down the ghost train I am not playing around.

I'm not fucking around this lifetime.

That's been made very clear to me.

This is my one fucking shot to get it right. And I absolutely cannot bring anyone with me who doesn't want to go.

This greatly saddens me--a great burden to bear, the weight of all the ages and the weight of all of these women who cannot follow me into battle.

Where is my woman and my lover?

Does she even exist...

Or am I chasing the wind?

I'm coming beautifully undone... Except it isn't very beautiful anymore. It's horribly painful and I don't have an answer for this pain and I don't know where to put my cries of agony and I don't know how to tell anyone how I'm really feeling and I don't know how to find people who can possibly relate to the vast depths of unexplainable soul feelings that I am trying to describe here, the supreme of empathic ability, the weight of being the being that I truly am, a feeling far too much and seeing for far too long, into light years that I shouldn't be able to see, the others absolutely cannot see and would blind their eyes for all of eternity and go to their grave dead as a door knob.

Please...

Tell me that someone out there feels this horrible and incredible pain that I feel, and please let it be someone I can be with. Please let it be a mortal woman... As mortal as she can possibly be. As mortal as *I* can possibly be at this point.

Funny... The word came out as immortal.

Perhaps that is all that is left for me... To find an IMMORTAL bride, to ascend out of here and leave this awful world behind if I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for.

But I just don't know how I'm going to get to my destination when I'm crumbling under the weight of my loneliness and find every single day tasks painful and don't see any direction or purpose for my life anymore and don't know how I'm going to make money or ever be successful and the one thing that used to bring me joy and pleasure and meaning worth living for... Survival and sex and replication...

Women, in other words.

Now not only am I not finding the one that I seek, but I must mourn an entire generation and world of women who will lose their souls and only go to their graves at the end of days, and my soul mourns for things I cannot explain and things I cannot comprehend.

I mourn and I grieve, and most specifically what I most need is to find someone who can comprehend the same grief in me and share it by my side...

Without running.

But if you're a man then stay away from me... Because I don't like them very much.

They've done nothing but hurt me.

Although I feel that I shouldn't have the need to defend myself and that explanations are weak, upon rereading my rant I see the need to say something that should be obvious but that not everyone will grasp.

I said that the vast majority of women are extremely shallow and have nothing to offer a man... I stand by the statement is mostly true.

But what you should understand is that I deeply love women anyway. I love speaking to them and interacting with their energy and I love each and everyone deeply and even ponder relationships with all of them even when I know they are bad for me, I wish there was some way to help each and every one of them and I wish there was some way to fix each and every one of them, I cherish every moment spent and a great and pervasive sadness washes through my entire being over the entirety of all of the women that I have spent a lifetime wanting, and the great incredible and indescribable hole that exists in me from the loss I have experienced, the Death that I cannot even explain to you.

This Death is unfathomable. It is what grease and pains me every single day.

To create even one woman who is capable of an ability to change and to heal herself and truly be capable of love and the true love that I seek... This would be worth an entire lifetime and would finally erase an entire indescribably painful lifetime of loss and impermanence.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say because I don't even understand it myself--yet.

Words are so incapable of explanation. Hopefully someone can FEEL what I say.