Looking for love in all the wrong places -- the traditional love and light bullshit spirituality versus this path

Whenever I hear another seeker talk about their "spirit guides" (and believe me, it's rare), the first thing I like to think (or ask them, if possible) is: just WHO or WHAT is your spirit guide?

For those who mistakenly subscribe to the "earth school" love and light belief systems, I suppose its easy to pretend we are all under the watchful eye of a whole host of guardian angels, archangel Michaels, and spirit allies sent to assist us in our spiritual transformation here in the earth school. But I personally find that a crock of shit.

ANYBODY who seriously looks out at this mortal world full of suffering, pain, and death, and actually thinks this is any sort of heaven or school is beyond delusional.

What you do with this short time matters. You can either run around and play games on the mortal plane or you can do something about your inevitable mortality.

Personally, after being introduced to Teachings of the Immortals way back in 2013, and reading the subsequent forum and being introduced to a mentor of mine who claimed to be immortal, my entire life was altered drastically. Looking back I have always come to see my own spirit guide as being always with me: but she was my own creation.

This co-creation, happening simultaneously, is the heartbeat of our own higher self, what some may like to call the twin, double, or Other.

The other guides us in ways that we cannot possibly comprehend, machinating beyond and outside time to manifest that which is ultimately desired: the perfection of ourselves, along with a soulmate.

Personally I was never satisfied with simply pouring all of my love and affectionate attention into my other as an eternal vessel, I was always completely obsessed with finding a mortal lover in this world.

This leaves me at a crucial junction in crossroads where I am forever and eternally trying to love myself and love this perfect other version of myself that I have created, both as a Creator and a witness that my own manifestation and the ways that I have been guided, but at the same time the carnal and human needs do not go away.

Nothing about the physical or sexual is anything that can be denied. This, I believe, is where a lot of the love and light gurus get it wrong.

They seem to espouse the strange idea that we must entirely alienate our eradicate our "desires" in order to embrace a paradigm which is completely free of resistance and in which there is no "suffering"--but I dare say anyone who actually attempts to believe that there is and can never be any suffering in life is holding on deeply to a delusional belief system that is being spread by the same gurus that are weighted on head foot and toe by people surrounding them in crowds and stadiums, making money off of the illusions they sell, giving people the false hope of freedom and hope and peace-- when in reality there can be no such things when there is always the looming and haunting daunting promise of the grave.

Find me a single speaker who talks about immortality--go ahead. I'll wait.

Most want to seem to lead you to believe that we are already immortal and eternal--but if this is the case, then why does the body die? Why can't they tell us what's on the other side?

And why try to tell you to eradicate your desires when they seemingly have the majority of theirs satisfied?

In my life I have observed that the more authentic I seem to become, it is often at the expense of a measure of my sanity.

The frustration that is palpable and the disappointment that frequently occurs for being so open and honest and authentic becomes like a weight and a burden to carry and bare--even when those close to me seem to be full of petty smiles and people seem to like me and opportunities open up for me.

The world may open its doors--but still I am deprived at the one thing that I want and need most inside--real love.

A perfect partner who can love me for who I am--and not because they are perfect, but because they actually love me and are willing to bare themselves just the same.

So much of a part of this work is just being honest and vulnerable--something that is extraordinarily rare.

Something that is only capable of those who are extraordinary--or perhaps beyond it.

Those who are made of the material of stardust and starseed but who do not mistakenly believe that they are sent here from another planet to awaken the human race, who I believe is surely already far too gone to be awakened again after the fall in defeat being led by the perpetrators of this technological technocracy and nightmare.

Just some pointless and thoughtful meaningless meanderings through the dark maze that seems to be my life that is both amazing and ecstatic and horrifying at times. No matter who I meet, who claim that they love me--the proof is in the pudding when nearly everyone seems to run out the door.

For a while I had such an inability to attract a woman that I started to regard myself and blame it on a disease--my OCD was constantly telling me that I must be gay and that is why I was never satisfied.

Perhaps that is the case which would explain why all I've ever wanted and craved was a woman, why men generally repulse me and I find disinteresting and undesirable, and while I seem to fall in love with nearly every woman who may vaguely resemble that which I seek.

I may never find her on here--I may never find her anywhere. Perhaps this is all the pointless waste of time--and the universe will simply deliver her to my front door when I least expect at an unexpected and unappointed day and time.

But I've also come to see in my life that everything that is worth having comes through some sort of Doing. Action as opposed to merely inaction.

It takes both at doing AND a Not-doing, as the gurus say, for the Tao is obviously both dark and light intertwined, an ancient and fundamental spiritual principle that none cannot who have truly begun to see the dark beauty of this path.

This pathless path, a dark walk in the woods over red leaves that lead to the total lack of sanity but also to the arbitration of a mystical and mythical goddess that rules over the ancient tree from the primordial sea of darkness before Time incarnate, before all of this was made to be--

And that was where I first met You, you see?

So therefore I no longer believe those who say that we have multiple soulmates over that there is no such thing when people don't even believe in true love anymore and don't even give themselves a Fighting Chance.

I have come so far now, that I have come to see and believe there is a chance, that there MUST be a chance, for me and for you, because why be plagued relentlessly and endlessly by these Dreams unless there was some measure of Truth to them you see?

Why capture the immortal childhood dreams of a lifetime since we first met by that old and ancient tree unless this was a real byproduct of our experience outside of time, parallel lives combined, the ghost train running around and round and round on his tracks again until we last come full circle in the Now?

And perhaps this is where I will find you--in the eternal Now unfolding, unexpectedly holding a candle right before my eyes and somehow arriving at a place in time that I could not define even if I wished to, making your place out of the shadows from around the corner where you hide, and perhaps it is simply a matter of disillusionment in order to realize that all of this paranoia is a byproduct of a lack of belief in my own worth, a disease of the mind, a profound disappointment caused only by trauma and The lying eyes of deceivers that wish to take the light.

I will no longer hold a candle to these burdens, and I will not be defined by this label or by these lying voices in my head, but instead I have chosen to believe with all integrity and in my heart that you are there and that you will come to me and that I will at last have everything that I seek.

All spiritual illusions be damned and fuck all of these people and all of these things who try to talk us out of such a twin flame type of love.

Why call and resonate to the idea such...

Unless it was a true thing capable of very vibrational manifestation?

Your Dreams are calling to you and always have--but the Predator in your mind is a beast cutting and capable of turning you astray at every turn.

I pray that you don't fall prey to such a beast, my love, but that you chose to come out of the cave and hiding in red eyes and find me again, and that you come quickly and swiftly, for my burden of being alone my surely now come to an end, and perhaps only because I now choose to believe that I am not flawed as I used to believe, but that there is nothing wrong with me.

As an old friend once said: there is nothing wrong with you whatsoever, but until you finally choose to believe that--I fear for you.

And perhaps he was right--and she all the same. There's nothing to indicate that I am gay--but everything to indicate that this toxic shame that has plagued me and burdened me--not just a shame for lust or sex or sexuality--

But a shame for LOVE.

I have let myself become lied to by red eyes because it is such a difficult and terrible allowance to finally let ourselves be loved to finally give ourselves over to love entirely and finally and to completely and wholly and fully love another--for to love another totally and completely is an alien and foreign and terrifying thing because we can only love one another to the level and degree that we are fully able to love ourselves.

NO.

No, She tells me that is not true.

We can totally and fully Love another and this can actually lead to the manifestation of our own love for ourselves.

For Love is the reason. And the terrifying Truth must surely be:

That A) I am straight and there is no guarantee. (lol)

But the most terrifying truth of all is that in love there can be no deceit, and to fully open ourselves to this fire and love someone else leaves us open to harm and to loss and rejection and the ultimate Grief:

The loss of that or whom we love.

As if we have just lost a crucial part of ourselves.